"i dont care."

hello is anyone out there?
can anyone hear me?
i feel alone. 
really alone. 
sometimes i think i am the only one with dreams and passions. 
i speak of them often, but no one hears me. 
shouldn't i have been used to the life of deaf ears by now?
its times like these that make me really appreciate people that have stuck up for what they believe in. 
...i struggle to even make one hear me. 
but hes right...
"i dont care"


because i will scream if i have to until someone hears me. 
i did not survive to be kept quite any more. 
so im sorry you dont care. 
what a pitiful life you must live. 
i might struggle, i might cry, i might even hang my head down sometimes, but you will never find me saying the words, 
i dont care. 

?

Dear My beautifully broken world,
      i apologize for being so angry with you yesterday, i was angry and needed to let you know that i was angry. I have a question for you. hopefully you have herd of the quote

"be the change you wish to see in the world"

if you havent herd of it, you have now (hehe) i was thinking about change, and what my boundaries are to extend change. Obviously i am crazy enough to think that i can protect every child, and everyone, but doesnt someone has to be that crazy in order to achieve that? Anyways im already getting off topic, i am trying to realistically think of the influence i can have on the world, and what that would take. And although i have ideas, i do not have answers quite yet. I am not certain that changing myself is enough to change the world, and although yes, one must look within before reaching outward are they not two sides of the same coin? Can i not help someone at the same time as they are helping me? I would like to think that everyone would choose to be that change that they want to see in the world that we all share, but i am beginning to believe that it wont happen. So how can the people influence the people that wont do it themselves? Alright, just some food for thought. 

WHY? [trigger warning]

Hello everyone, i guess i should just be honest and say that i am: pissed, angry, disappointed, saddened, hopeless, tired, burnt out, and everything in between. I have no one to talk to so trying to use this as a coping skill. So here it goes. 


Why?
Why is it that women are being RAPED and SEXUALLY ASSAULTED every two minutes in the U.S?
Why is it that 5 children DIE everyday from child abuse?
Why is it that every 14 minutes someone in the US commits suicide? 
Where is the outrage? 
Am i the only one that sees this and gets angry? Why because i know what its like to have someone take my body and fuck it against my will? To have my body ripped in two when i was six? To lie on a floor for minutes due to a beating? To hide the scars of my self hatred, to turn the water on when i made my self vomit, to treat myself like i was taught to treat myself, does someone need to go through this to see how fucked up this is? Have we really come to this? This is not apart of life, nor should it be! I am so sick and tired of people accepting that violence, rape, child abuse is apart of life ITS NOT! I am so angry at people for saying, "ya thats messed up", and then they continue on with their day, like it doesnt affect them. It does. YOUR MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, GIRLFRIENDS, FRIENDS, CHILDREN, and MEN are being abused and because you havent gone through it, your not willing to fight for it!? Because you dont rape a woman or you dont beat children that makes you innocent and therefor have no place in ending violence, NO! please please please, i feel all alone in this fight. We need to care. We need to get angry. We need to not accept it as a necessary evil.


We sit here in our modern country pointing fingers at other countries and their atrocities against innocent women and children even though we cannot even protect our own! 


How much pain do children have to go through for someone to notice that something isnt right? Our jails are full, our rehabs are full, our projects are over run, and no one is paying attention. I am one women; a women that sometimes can barely keep afloat, but as God is my witness i cannot, i will not let people from any age and either sex fall victim to a society that accepts violence as a part of life. period. 

To the survivors, the struggling, the abused, the tormented, the second class citizens, im coming. I will not fail you. Hang on. 

New Operation is a go!

It is time everyone to take a stand against all forms of sexism and oppresion. I am not ok with living in a world or a society that condones such ethics, and although it might take me longer than i would like to create change a first step is always needed in a journey. I ask for anyone that has a mother, sister, girlfriend, and friend that is female to standup to society and not be a condition to it. Sexism affects EVERYONE not just females, and together we can build a society that is based on substance rather than appearance. 

some things to look into for more information:

- feminism 

- sexism 

- fat shaming 

- patriarchy

- objectification of women 

- gender issues

- classism 

if anyone has any questions please ask, and if i cant answer i might can help find the answer. Thanks everyone. Visual journal pages are on the way! :D

night.

what to say what to say what to say.
sometimes words come easy to me, and other times i think in a different language than what i speak. Sometimes it is only in images that i feel i can express myself to others, and even so i get it lost in translation. With that being said, this will be an entry that has no rough draft, no planning, and no after thought. i simply want to type.


my birthday is coming up, and all i can think about it getting wasted on my 21st birthday. now one might think this is a relatively normal thought for a girl my age, but is it normal that i just want alcohol no celebration, no parties, no people, just me and my new 'adult' drink? somehow i dont think so, which gives way to another "f***" moment in which i think to myself is there anything that i dont have in the treatment world? How did complex PTSD, depression, bipolar, ED, and now the signs of addiction just fall into my lap just under two years ago? Was i really so different? i find it a struggle for me to know and understand the third part perspective or the middle ground. blah blah blah blah (if you dont mind i am going to start a new train of thought)

night is what happens anytime i close my eyes to sleep. it isnt pretty most of the time, and to be honest i have grown sensitized to nightmares. it takes either a very disturbing or vivid dream to upset me, and today when i was taking a nap was one such time. i find that when ever i have one of "these" dreams, my fear of sleep increases drastically and i will do anything to stay up, sometimes not even on purpose. the hardest part for me is the body sensations after i have awoken. Its like i can talk myself out of it in my head but my body refuses to let me forget. i find conflict somewhat of a constant companion in all shapes and all areas of my life. part of me seeks why, and another part of me shakes its head and opens its arms to it. either way night (as common with many mental illness including PTSD) is the most triggering but easiest part of the day.

the reading room

everyone and by everyone i mean the two "followers" that i have, i know it has been forever and a day since my last post, and i want to apologize. I could then follow with a number of excuses, but to be honest i dont have any that really gives a good argument. So with that said, thank you for sticking with me. 

On a better note i have been reading my you know what off and thought i would recommend some great books! Books for me not only serve as entertainment but also as a time for reflection and escape from what ever symptoms im having difficulty with. Lately i have been to stressed with the start of school and trying to find an apartment that my creative juices have been on somewhat of a draught like state. However this weekend i have every intention to have a relaxing and creative workshop with you got it, me, myself, and i. So with that being said i have some great things planned for the new year and nothing starts a new year off better than 1) not being in rehab/ inpatient and 2) a fantastical read! so without further ado here are the couple of books that im captivated by. 

A fantastic piece of non fiction that goes into the structures and dynamics of human trafficking more specifically towards children and women who are sold for sex. Rachel Lloyd is a survivor herself, which i my opinion gives a very personal touch to a very distant topic if one has never experienced child trafficking. A great read for anyone wanting to know more about the dynamic of human trafficking and just how certain systems condone such behavior.

A light and easy yet delightful and intriging book by one of my favorite authors John Green. This book is easy to read, but has many issues that i find are relatable. The book makes you think about the issues being presented in the book in way that makes you curious and not "holy crap im back in school!" kind of a way. I would recommend this for an easy bring you back to high school kind of a read. 

Hello my name is Carly, and i am a "budding" feminist. This book is fantastic and i am personally a big fan of Bell Hooks. Like the title it is a awesome book for the curious/unenlightened person that would like to know more about the basic feminism movement. Reading about feminism has really taught me personally the constructs of sexism in todays society and how it effects everyone involved, i.e. man, women, child, transgender, EVERYONE! great small book that could be read in literally a day, that i would recommend to anyone and everyone living in todays world. So yes that means YOU! :]

Alright thats all the books i have read this year so far, and i will update yall if i find any other good ones, which let me just say that i know i will have (amazon stay away from me!) 

p.s. i will be posting a whole post dedicated to all things feminism so keep a look out for that. Talk to yall later...  :]

pure inspiration.